Jan 2, 2011

The NewYear has begin, just barely so.  Of course I remember my promise to myself to become healthier...today's meal has been McDonald's - Big Mac Large fry and Large Coke.  So far New Year's resolution is a non starter. 
Guess the thing is - I have come to realize that I am not happy.  Not happy about what you ask?  Seeing as I have a family and husband that love me, I will be starting a new job soon and a Grandson on the way - what could possibly make me unhappy?  It is difficult to explain really - I feel fat, unattractive, and just generally feel that I could be a better person.  How do I become a better person when I feel so negative about myself?  I eat, feel depressed, eat some more, feel sad, make bad food choices, I eat, feel depressed.....do we see where this is going? 
I look back at pictures of myself when I did lose weight and looked fabulous, I felt wonderful and made many positive changes to my life - look at me now attractive but FAT.  I am definitely lacking the motivation to do anything about it - finances is a key but where there is a will there is a way - I've just lost my will.  How do I get it back? Why don't I want to take care of myself?  I guess it is just easier to be FAT. 
I need to lose about 130lbs to be what the Doctors call a healthy weight.....that depresses me.
I don't do drugs and I really don't drink (socially, if that), I turn to food to nurture myself, to make myself feel better.  Why do I do that?  Guess that is the million dollar question - I don't have an answer.  Like so many other obese people we struggle everyday and unfortunately unlike drugs or alcohol we need food to survive.  We need to eat food to live.  Food is my "drug" of choice - why are there no rehab programs for me to check myself into to get well and to deal with the food monster in me?  hmmmm Obesity is an epidemic but options are limited.  I don't think it is enough to do a gastric bypass or lap band surgery.... there has to be a reason I keep sabotaging myself - FAT is a disease and surgery is only 'half the answer' (if there is such a thing as half an answer) - I think there is/are psychological reasons for my disease and I think that if professionals can tap into that there maybe a 'cure' for me.  I need to be taught to take care of me, to make better choices and learn why I make the choices I do. 
Life can be very funny when I was about 12 I had an eating disorder - anorexia......got counselling and now look at me - FAT and unhealthy --- this is why I think it is more psychological than anything else.
I would like to find some friends who like me need some emotional support and willing to make a commitment to each other and be held accountable to each other - a FAT Chick Club - where we can get together to discuss our issues and perhaps come up with a plan to make the government more aware of the fact we need support too.  Not to mention that we could come up with free ways to make us healthier  - like a walking club or a supper club.  I know I can't afford any serious help - but I know I need help - I can't go on like this......